Letting It All Hangout!

*fair warning*

*not for the prudish, faint hearted, righteous or decent*

Last night, ended like so many nights before...with my friends feeling shame and guilt at my indulgent, indignent, flagrantly inappropriate escapades. *snicker* *shrug*

OK! So, I'm a bad, bad girl. Here's what went down...

*fast forward to the parking lot of the coffeeshop*

*backstory on Abe for the purposes of this story*
Last night, I was talking to Abe on the phone and he mentioned that he'd like to be the aggressor in our courtship. When I arose the next morning, I sent Abe a text message:
ME: "Oh yeah! U want to be the aggressor, eh? Let's pretend u are the alpha lion and I'm the hottest lioness! ...be gentle."
Abe: "U r crazy"
*snicker* Have you ever watch two lions going at it on the Animal channel?! GOOD LAWD! It's like WHOA! Ease up there big fella. LOL!

*sending a provocative text message to Abe from the car while in the parking lot*

Me: "Catching a glimpse of the lion king, the pernicious lioness gingerly grooms herself...exposing her soft belly and wily guard hairs."
Abe: "Stop it"
Me: "Seriously?"
Abe: "Ur making me blush"
Me: "YES! U know i love that!"

*finally, going into the coffeeshop*
I walk up to the counter and my favorite Blonde hottie barista, Scott is working. He's got a crush on me. How do I know this? A woman just know these things, plus he always gives me a discount. ;)
Scott: "HEY! You're back!"
Me: "Yeah, we're back to Tuesday nights now. Aren't you happy? I know you missed me, right?"
Scott: *blush*
Me: "Scott! How old are you? TWELVE!"
Scott: "Uh, No. I'm 17"
Me: "Well, I was close. I was only off by FIVE years. What school do you go to?"
Scott: *smile* "I go to such and such high school. *blush* Would you like something to drink? Uh? Let me guess your usual right?"
Me: "HIGH SCHOOL! LAWD! *sigh* Yes, my usual. You outta know by now. Caramel Macchiato. You know there was a N*tzi in here last week! One of your regular customers..."

Scott: *shocked* "WUH! Nuh Uh! Who was it? I'm not like that...not at all."

Me: "Yeah, I can tell. You got some serious bling on there, boy."
Scott scampers away to make my latte...

*fast forward again*

While Christine's kids are engrossed in their gameboys and the girls and I are gathered knitting, I'm prompted to tell the story of Barry the Bulge. LOL!
I love it when Christine comes to knit night because we can just talk sh*t and she doesn't care one wit what anyone else thinks. Anywho, Barry the Bulge devolves into conversations about Christine's manfriend and his German inheritage. LOL! Now, I've found that German men are kinda crazy, stubborn and eccentric , but d*mn are they blessed, indeed. LOL! *ehem* Christine agrees. *grin* Christine has funny stories, too. We love to hear about her manfriends propencity to "whirrr" up moldy leftovers in the blender *dry heave* You know Germans HATE to waste anything.

*fast forward again*

So, we're knitting and in walks the regular Wednesday night barista, Dan and this other guy. Instantly, I shout, "DAN! HEY! Tell Scott about the N*tzi!" As Dan walks over to Scott and goes behind the counter, I hear him say "OH YEAH! BIG JOE!" ...and he proceeds to tell Scott and company of the incident last week when the Redneck R*cist Joe leaves the coffeeshop professing his allegiance to the Kl*n. *eyeroll*
So, I'm there recounting the story to the girls wherein I end the story thusly, "...Yeah, and he didn't even have his hood on! I mean the whole point of being in the Kl*n is to be CLANDESTINE! GEEZ! IDIOT!" The girls burst into laughter. Gwen, Johanna and Joanna ponder whether to start a "Carmencisms" site. You know there's these two lesbians that keep track of all my witticisms and recount them to me every time I see them. Why bother to mention their sexual orientation...no reason. I just think it's cute.

*short fast forward*

Scott and his buddy barista, Drew (I call him Drew L*chey) are nowhere to be seen. So, I peek around the counter and bellow down the isle. "What y'all doing back there!?" No answer.
Standing there, I turn towards where the girls are gathered knitting and say "I swear if that boy was 10 years older, I'd tear that up!"...and they burst into laughter. I think Gwen spit out a bit of her coffee. Then, Drew appears from the nether realm back beyond the counter and I query as to what they are doing back there...cause you know when boys are too quiet that they are up to no good.
Me: "BOY! What y'all been doing back there?"
Drew: "Well, me and Scott are looking at some surveillance tape of this girl he thought was cute from earlier today!"
Me: "You tell my underage boyfriend that I said "It's over! I'm through!" LOL!

Part of me secretly wonders if they were watching me when I was bent down looking under the chairs for one of my stitch markers a few minutes earlier. LOL! I know I'm HORRIBLE!
The girls burst into laughter again...

*fast forward again*

Now, Gwen, Joanna, the little girl Johanna and I have convened at a local restaurant for dinner.

*wrings hands*

I order a pomegranite martini and here's where things get really raunchy!
Now, I don't have much in the way of "filters" around certain people, especially my girls. I feel like I can let it all hangout, literally, with them, but I wonder after last night's escapade.

As we are enjoying heaps of the fresh bread and olive oil, the waitress informs me that the bartender is missing in action to which I reply, "D*MMIT! All I have left in my life is food and alcohol! You tell him to make haste or he'll have to deal with me! Matter of fact, bring him to my table when he's done making my drank!" *grumble*

Soon after my martini arrives and it is FANTASTIC! *sigh of relief*

A few sips of the good stuff and our food arrives...we chat and laugh and I talk about Abe and the provocative text messages, then I go on a rant about Abe. *sigh*

Then, somehow and I don't remember how I had to tell the tale of my 1999 Orlando, FL too d*amn hung brotha booty call...the time where we ran out of spit and Astroglide. This is where Joanna gets up and literally left the table. LOL! Gwen and Johanna were laughing so hard they almost lost their dinner.

The little girl, Johanna went over and gave Joanna the high sign that it was safe to return to the table and this is where we ended dinner and parted ways. *pfft* Who cares if the lady 4 tables over was supposedly giving Joanna the fish eye. *shrug*

*fast forward again*

So, I'm sitting in my car in the restaurant parking lot and I called Abe. Yeah, I'm going to have to devote a whole 'nother entry just to him because this whole thing with us is TOTALLY dysfunctional.