It would seem that the institution of marriage is burning down to the ground and all the beds with it.
I had just gotten home from the gym when I received a frantic call from a long time friend, "J". She blurted that she had just been assaulted by her husband, "D" and the police had just taken him away.
They had been arguing and "D" punched her in the chest. Why? She questioned "D" about some emails she found on his Blackberry. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss, isn't it? But, she wanted to know the truth. Where had he been during lunch? Why did he stand her up? What were those emails all about? "J" suspected that "D" is having an affair. Those damn Crackberries have probably been the cause of many crimes of passion.
Instead of discussing matters like reasonable adults would, "D" chose to duke it out instead. "D" has all the classic signs of an abuser, but "J" is afraid to be single. Afraid of being seen as a failure in love and marriage. Afraid of everything it would seem. Fact is, "J" is one of the strongest women I know. She's a survivor. A woman who made it out of her first abusive marriage with only a high school diploma, no work history and 3 small children. Not only was her first husband abusive, he was outed by his own children after they discovered some revealing emails he was sending to his "Down Low" lover. After all that and you still get out of bed everyday, you have to be strong.
After divorcing her first husband, "J" rebuilt her life and got herself a job. I met "J" and "D" when we all worked for the same company some years ago. Back then, "D" was married to his 3rd wife, but you couldn't tell it to look at him. He acted like he was single and never spoke of his wife. Over time, pursuant to his aggressive wooing of "J", a torrid affair began to percolate. "J" knows perfectly well of what "D" is capable. She knows deep down that he's having an affair right in front of her very eyes.
Last night, "J" was frightened, dazed and heartbroken. She called me to come keep her company swearing me to silence. No one could know. She feared what others might think or say. She knew that her family would never forgive him for hitting her. She's already sacrificed her relationships with her children because of "D". This would only make things worse if they knew. Coming inside from one of her many smoke breaks, "J" commented that she could hear her backdoor neighbors arguing and wondered if there wasn't something in the air that night. OH GAWD! I wonder what my neighbors are thinking. This is the 2nd time the police have been here in less than a year. The last time was last August when "D" got into a fist fight with "J's" middle child, "A". "A" is in his 20s and had just called his mother "J" all kinds of names and "D" couldn't take that kind of language and challenged him. "D" went to jail.
In the morning, I drove us to the court house. She was a nervous wreck. We got there an hour before his video arraignment. In the state of Kansas, victims of abuse receive counseling and guidance before the arraignment from abuse advocates sponsored by the SafeHome organization of which I am a patron. I was actually seeing my donations at work. Wow! So, as I sat and listened to the advocate go over the plight of abused women and children and list the triggers and signs of abusers, I thought to myself how blessed I am to never had been a victim of abuse. My mind raced as I considered all the ramifications of trying to escape an abusive situation. All the minutia. The pain, the uncertainty, the fear. I cringed a few times as I listened to "J" make up excuses for "D". Trying to explain away the fact that he HIT her. There's no freakin' excuse for assaulting anyone. You just do not do it. PERIOD!
Soon, it was time for the arraignment. Standing before the judge "J" pleaded for his release. "D" was released on $750 bond with stipulations of drug and alcohol testing. "J" couldn't understand why since he hadn't shown signs of drug or alcohol abuse since she's known him. The advocate explained that the prosecutor had found some prior offenses. Obviously, "D" has a checkered past that "J" knows nothing about. It is the law in Kansas, that abusers not have contact with their victim for a period of 72 hours. However, you can make an appeal to waive that "cooling off period" if you provide a good reason why the judge should waive it. "J" sobbed and plead for the waiver, but the judge denied her request. She was devastated. She worried about how he would get home. Would he even come home again? Who would pick him up? Would he call "the other woman" to pick him up? Where would he stay? How would he pay for things? She was hoping that after he got out of jail and came home that he wouldn't immediately pack up his things and leave her for the woman she knew he already has waiting in the wings.
Driving us back to her house. "J" sobbed and began to blame herself again. I was incensed. I told her AGAIN that it was NOT HER FAULT! that he brought this on himself. He didn't have to hit you!
Back at her house, it wasn't long before "D" called to have "J" come pick him up from jail. Yep! Cooling off period be damned! I watched as she hurried to find her keys. She hugged and kissed me before leaving thanking me for helping her. *deep sigh* She was relieved and happy that he called her instead of the other woman. Happy that the whole mess was over and that she could go get him and try to make things
right again. *shakes head* Wrong can never be right, can it?
Oh, Carmen, that is so heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteI was in a nightmare relationship before I met my husband - the abuse was mostly psychological, so I didn't have any black eyes to show people, but everybody figured it out anyway because I was acting just like your friend. Only probably crazier. I made a complete ass out of myself on a regular basis for that man, and of course, it didn't do any good. He didn't respect me to begin with, and he sure as hell didn't once I started acting like a crazy woman.
It's not marriage itself that's flawed - marriage is about two whole, complete people forming a committed union that's made stronger by the best of what both people have to offer and room for forgiveness and love that includes shortcomings.
The problem is that our culture tells us something else. When I was in that abusive relationship, I believed I was an incomplete person and that I needed this man to "complete" me. That's how I fell into the trap of taking whatever he dished out and believing that, despite how miserable I was, that my life would be over if that relationship ended.
Looking back, I can say that I was a complete idiot and that the truth was self-evident. However, I've seen so many women, from teenage girls (scary, scary, scary) to one of my husband's relatives, who's in her 60s and should know better (so, in a sense, even scarier) go through their relationships with the same assumption. I just want to shake them - I guess I've got such a big ego I think if I've learned a lesson, everybody else should have learned it along with me. :) Seriously, though, I'd love to be able to communicate the pain and humiliation of my flawed thinking to other women (and men) before they get in that situation, but it seems like people are blind while they're there. I thank God that I learned my lesson after one nightmare, and that I'm not one of the millions of people who keep performing the same experiment over and over again, expecting different results, because they watch movies where the couple rides off into the sunset and they don't know any different.
Having said all that, I thank God every day for my marriage and the man I'm in it with. We only met after I made peace with myself and decided that I was, on my own, just fine, and could be happy forever even if I stayed that way. There's respect in my house. We complement each other, but we've never claimed to complete each other. It makes all the difference.
I'll be thinking good thoughts for your friend. I'm glad you were able to be there for her.
Damn skippy he brought it on himself! I'm proud of her for calling the cops at least. So many don't.. and it's damn sad.
ReplyDeleteI hope she realizes that what you are telling her is right and that it is NOT HER FAULT! *shakes head*
I hope she realizes that yes he called her, but he's still going to call the other woman at some point too...
Lisa P