I said God Damn! God Damn...

PJ and I were enjoying bites of a most scrumptious cheesecake after lunch Friday at Buca Di Beppo. When she took her first bite she said something like "You know this reminds me of this scene from Pulp Fiction when Mia took a snort of coke and said, "I said God Damn! God Damn..."" That's how it felt when she took that first bite of that thick luscious slice of heavenly homemade cheesecake drizzled with a syrupy raspberry hazelnut puree and topped with bits of toasted hazelnut. That was my sentiment exactly! It was complete and utter decadence. Bliss I dare say.

That's what it's like for me as a food addict. It was as if lines of coke were laid out on a tray in front of me and I was fervently snorting them up, but instead it was a plate of homemade cheesecake followed by a hot cup of frothy sweet cappuccino.

The night before I shared with Darren my struggles and frustration with food addiction and my weight. How even after having gastric bypass 6 years ago, I'm still fighting a seeming futile battle with my old demons. I am loathe to ignore the call of the sweet, salty, sour and bitter. The taste imps dance around in my head incessantly like whorish succubi to whom I am enslaved.

Food is not merely fuel or sustenance for me. It is all encompassing and as I devour it; it devours me even until my core. I use food as a sacrifice to my demons to quiet and quell them so that I might enjoy just a few moments of happiness and peace before the squall returns.

Celebrity Rehab was playing on the TV in the background as I chatted with Darren that night about my struggle, I was angry, languid, confused, reticent, and frustrated with myself and my losing battle against my old demons. He tried to console and counsel me from his own experiences, but I was in no mood or position to do anything but eat at that point. My demons were calling me at that very moment and I was loathed to ignore them. I NEEDED to eat to soothe my distress. Gobble down a bag of popcorn, a glass of diet coke with a few handfuls of Gummi Bear as a chaser. Glancing up at the TV at the celebrities getting help for their addictions to pain killers, alcohol, cocaine, etc. I wished I could call and admit myself to a food rehab right then. Just pack a bag and go and not look back, but there aren't any organized programs for a run of the mill food addict like me. I haven't gotten to the point that I need to be admitted to a place like Brookhaven Obesity Clinic for super morbidly obese (500+ lbs) patients.

Last summer, I joined a Dr. Monica Pierson's Weight Management Weightloss program, but left the program after about a month blaming the office manager, Claudia's abrasive personality and seemingly complete lack of understanding of food addicts as the reasoning for leaving the program. Dr. Monica used to be obese and she understands all too well what it is like, but dealing with someone that has NEVER been fat and makes you feel like a freak every time you deal with her only compounds the problem, so I decided to go my own way. I did ok for a while until earlier this year when the mama drama unfolded. That's when everything when straight to hell and I found myself back in the deepest darkest grip of my addiction again...fragrantly binging on all my favorite snacky comfort all day everyday.

I feel helpless, out of control, empty and weak. Darren had been trying to help me face my demons, but I'm not ready yet. Not ready to go cold turkey. The mere notion of taking away my "Binky" sends me into a tailspin of fury and desperation. I hate being a food addict. I wish I didn't have to eat. Being a food or alcohol addict have to be THE WORST addictions. Both are readily available, cheap and socially accepted.

I don't have an answer for myself right now, other than working out 3 times a week to try to stave off as much weight gain as I can. But as far as the REAL issue...I don't know. I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired and trying to figure a way to break out of this cycle right now.

I did find this blog today. The Morbid Me. I think it will offer some additional perspective and support for me.