T Minus 3 days until Maryland Sheep & Wool Festival Weekend

:: gurgle ::

I CANNOT WAIT!

:: pee pee dance ::

Of course, I get to see my Gwenie Gwen [yarnedy](person) and her new digs in DC. She's arranged all kinds of fun stuff for us to do while I'm there. I CANNOT WAIT! It's not even about the yarn anymore so much as seeing my friend Gwenie Gwen and all the folks from the Knittyboard and Ravelry that I've been chatting with FOREVER, like Cristi [turtlegirl76](person) and lawd knows who else I'm going to run into there.

On the flip side, I'll be missing Teri's big 40th birthday on May 4 and Laura's birthday on May 5. :(

I'll have to make it up to them somehow. :: sigh ::

What else?

Things have died down on the GP front. :: phew! :: Gives me some time to get caught up.

It's spring cleaning time again. It felt so good dragging all manner of crap out to the curb yesterday. Feels like I'm climbing out of an abyss...even though, I know my house is no where near an abyss, but speaking as someone who can only stand a certain level of clutter...I can't stands it no more.

The following Friday or Saturday after Maryland Sheep and Wool, I'll be driving down to Arkansas to spend Mother's Day with my Mommy and Nanny (short for Granny). :: sigh ::
I haven't been talking about her a lot lately because nothing much as changed. She's still weak and can't get around much. She can't work anymore, so she's applied for disability. She's still retaining a lot of fluids and I'm not sure her meds are working or if she's even taking them anymore since she probably can't afford them right now. While I was down there back in February, Nanny told me that we have a history of bad hearts in our family and that many of us have died at a relatively young age, so I figure I've got about 10-20 more years left. I went in last week for preliminary blood work, you know the usual diabetes, cholesterol, etc. and tomorrow I go in for more tests to see what's going on with my heart. I'm kinda dreading this trip because I know it will break my heart to see my Mom so down and out. She begged me to order her some Nutrisystem and get her a recliner chair for Mother's day. :: sigh :: She wanted me to get her the Nutrisystem, so that she doesn't have to bother Nanny to cook for her and so that she can lose a little more weight even though she doesn't have much of an appetite and the chair so that it's easier for her to get up and down to go to the bathroom, etc. Nanny is tired. I don't know how much longer Nanny will be able to look after Mom. If one goes the other won't be too far behind.

My Aunt Gladys died back around 1990 from congestive heart failure. I was at the hospital with my Nanny when she died. Gladys was in her late 50s as well. I see the same things happening to my mom that happened with Gladys before shes died. I know it's only a matter of time now. I don't think we'll have her around much longer. Just from what I've seen in the past. I guess I better call my Aunt Effie and tell her she better get herself together and go see her sister before it's too late. I think things might be too far gone to even be optimistic at this point.

It's been a struggle for me lately. I walk the line between denial and complete ruin everyday. It's like I HAVE to hold back my emotions just so I can function. I can't fall apart because who will pick me up and put me back together again? And so, I dredge along through each day, numb, mindlessly going through the motions, hoping for a glimmer of something good to shine through every now and then. I smile, I joke, I act like everything is fine when so much of the time I want to fall down and fall apart. Things that keep me going are: messages from a friend, a phone call, a text message, time to knit or sew, my Mandarin class, rented movies, just something...anything pleasant to take my mind off the inevitable.

Anywho...back to something more palateable. Non?

Hey? Does anyone even pay attention to my Throwback Thursday entries? I wonder if you find them interesting.