Today, I feel a great void in my life.
These past couple weeks, since the passing of my mom, I feel and recognize my own mortality and morbidity.
It's something you never really consider or even admit until you lose someone close to you. Until you are face to face with it. Until you realize that one day, maybe even tomorrow, you will die.
Despite having many good friends and and family, I feel utterly alone. Gravely alone.
I'm 38 and there's so much that I have never experienced and feel I might never ever feel and I'm angry and frustrated and sad about it. I think I will die alone; a spinster and a failure at life & love.
I wonder what my life is really all about. What will my legacy be? Who will mourn and weep and carry out my wishes when I'm gone. I don't have any heirs. I don't have a husband or even an ex husband or even a long term boyfriend.
With everything going on in the world today; fortunes lost, crushing debt, disease, dysfunction and mayhem, I wonder why I even get out of bed sometimes.
I'm starting to understand how my mom must have felt those last few months of her life. How she wanted so badly to feel someone cared about her and to feel loved. Unfortunately, I was not in any shape to give her what she needed. How can you give someone else what you don't have for yourself?
I want so badly to be filled with love or what I think is love. It's been offered by those closest to me, but I can't accept it. Godly and friendly love just seems to be falling down into the abyss...I won't grasp it. There's one kind of love they can't give me and that's what I feel I need to most. To find the man of men who can be there for me and won't disappear....won't abandon me. I'm heartbroken and empty and I fear I won't be able to stand it much longer.
I haven't prayed in a long time, but maybe it's time for me to lay down at His alter again and pray for His love, strength and forgiveness.
I know you have to believe it in your heart for it to feel true. Even if I tell you there are loads of people who love you & appreciate you exactly as you are, who don't see you as a failure, you have to be willing to accept it as the truth.
ReplyDeleteI am sad that you feel this way. I think facing mortality and hearing of more people dying elicits a lot of these things you reference, and yet we have to keep moving forward, enjoying every moment, because we never know when our lotto number will come up. (I am grappling myself, with several friends losing their parents right now, it just seems like death is everywhere and it sure as hell ain't going away...)
big hugs. let's get Friday rockin, give us something to look forward to, k?
I you to know that you are loved and that lots of people think that you are the most fabulous person just the way you are. I wish you could accept that. Sometimes the most important love and the most important people we find are the ones that we surround ourselves with. I agree with Jen that you have to live each day to the fullest. I watched too many people die not to seize each day to it's fullest and I wish that you could do this to. You are fabulous just the way you are.
ReplyDeletePS - What happened to us retiring to the islands with cabana boys?
Carmen, you have some wonderful friends who love you dearly. Times like these can be overwhelming, but sometimes you just need take one step at a time.
ReplyDeletei know i'm months late but here's a big ol' (((((((hug)))))))
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