My Most Apathetic Christmas of All

This holiday season has been one of the more difficult by far. Yes, more so than last year. Truth be told, I couldn't bring myself to go back home to spend Christmas with my grandmother. I had a big anxiety attack the morning I was supposed to leave. I, literally, freaked out. I just couldn't go back. So, I stayed here in Kansas City and sequestered myself and my bah humbug-ness to my house. I didn't think it would be this hard. For as much as she made me crazy, my mom was the one who always made sure Christmas was Christmas in our family. Thinking back it had always been that way since I was a young girl. The Christmas tree decorated and full of presents. Waking up Christmas day to rip open all those presents. It meant a lot to her. This year, my Christmas was tinged with grief, isolation and sickness. My own little head cold and a couple of relatives are terminally ill and hospitalized.

However, on the bright side, some people I hadn't heard from in years, recently, came out of the woodwork. A pleasant surprise to know that people still think about me.

I got a phone call from a guy I used to see back in 1999/2000. I barely remember him now, but I had made an impression on him. He found my number in a box as he was digging through some things. Apparently, he never throws anything away. I was laying in bed in the throws of depression when I got the call. Small talk and reminiscing and not much has changed for either of us. I'm still single, no kids, working the corporate grind and he has 3 baby mamas and 3 kids and is still trying to find himself.

That same day, one of my best friends Michael made the arduous trek from his hometown in Southern Kansas up to Kansas City to visit his great uncle and me, of course. I was still snowed in and stuffed up, but I mustered enough strength to shovel the front walk out to the street and he came and got me for the evening. During dinner, I bared a small portion of what has been weighing on me. I read his expressions and diverted the conversation to less incendiary topics. His efforts to extol the merits of his church and charitable works were commendable, but not enough to draw me out of my present quandary of emotion. I had spoken to a couple others about my new found realizations regarding relationships and I could see and feel that this was not something ANYONE wanted to hear or discuss. Nobody wants to think about it. Duly noted. Somethings are better left unsaid. After dinner, we met up with friends for drinks then clubbing afterward. It was like old times and we were happy.

Today, I finally ventured to get my car out of the garage and bring my mail in. I got a letter from a friend from Minneapolis that I hadn't heard from since 2002, I think. She was always a good friend and I let our friendship lapse over the years since I left there. The last sentence of her brief letter was this "...I am still without a husband and without kids-but not complaining! How about you?..." :: deep sighs :: I think when I do find the energy to call her, I'll just put on a fake smile over the phone and exchange pleasantries and make believe again. Some things are better left unsaid.

Speaking of relationships. I think I ran off someone with whom I might have had something. We met online (of course). He was pursuing me so hard and wanted so much so fast, that I freaked out and pushed him away. So I blamed not meeting him on my own superficiality (he is blind in his right eye and it is kind of lazy), but really the truth is that I'm all fucked up right now. I told him how I felt. I was too honest. He's not ready for honest. He doesn't know what to do with honest. The real grit. For the real me right now. He's not very emotionally savvy and his solution is to just mash down any negativity and laugh and move on. I knew he meant well trying to distract me from my gloomy existence, but at the same time, it made me angry that he was just trying to rush me to happy so we could meet. He had all these grand & romantic ideas for getting snowed in together over Christmas. I told him I'd wouldn't be good company and that I just need time to finish out my grief process. It was my first Christmas without her. No package in the mail this year and I still haven't opened the one from last year. This, compounded with the fresh death of my ideal of happily ever after. Part of me really thought I could just mash it all down again and keep going with the fake nice and grin and bear it when he wanted affection, but then, I'd be going backwards. I'm going ahead to feel. Feeling is not always good. Sometimes, you have to deal with pain, anger, resentment, disappointment, regret, remorse, grief. The good thing is that once you've dealt with it, it's done. You can move forward.