Good Will Healing

He says I am the Skylar to his Will.
If you've seen "Good Will Hunting" then you will understand the significance of that statement.
Speaking with him the other day, he made reference to his movie. It's one of his favorites.

Everything began as they always have. We met online. I peeked at his profile. He peeked at mine. Reading the prose in his profile, I knew right away that he was someone special. His intellect piqued my interest and I was keen to know more of him. Outwardly, looking at us, one wouldn't think we had anything in common. Especially looking at his profile pictures, he is a tall, handsome, Caucasian man brazen and tattooed with partially shaved head and nose ring. I found myself visiting his profile frequently to peer at his photos and he visited my profile to peer at mine, too. Obviously the physical attraction is strong for both of us.

We first began our interactions while I was down South tending to my mother as a result of her most recent health emergency. I was adrift in a sea of emotion and trauma. Seemingly, this would not be the best time to meet someone, but as it happens, it was the perfect time for us to meet.

We first chatted intermittently the first couple days to test the waters as it were. But, quite innately, I felt something deep within that told me it was okay to confide in him...to believe he is genuine. Soon, I began to reveal small glimpses into my present dilemma and he proved to be a fount of knowledge and support. He is the one who gave me the final puzzle pieces to solve the mystery of my shattered past and present misery. For once, I found a man with who I could be completely real and vulnerable. I didn't have to pretend to be someone who was always in control, pert and pure. I could fall apart.

Gradually, we both began to shed layers and retract that virtual long arm of safety. We began to really SEE each other and a bond was growing that was quite scary and inextricable. I had never been this emotionally intimate with any man and he had never opened up so much to one woman. Soon, we probed and prodded and tested each other. Sometimes, we played a game of chicken to see who would run first, but neither of us turned to run. The die was cast.

We are emotionally intertwined.
He sees me and I see him. Bruised bits and all. For the first time, I am apparent.
Visible. Vulnerable. Real. Ready. Available.

Thus far, I liken our courtship to what it must be like to awaken from a long coma.
In my mind, I see myself standing there on the outside, I see my body laying there listless and frail. Flashes of light and dark spots flutter around as my eyes struggle to focus and the rest of my senses follow suit. Sight, Hearing, Smell, Touch, Taste.

Awakening from a lifetime emotional coma is much the same.
Pain, Fear, Vulnerability, Anger, Guilt and Resentment bubble then erupt through tears seeping from my eyes. For the first time in a long time, I can feel and it is awesome and frightening at once. Fortunately, for me I have a kindred spirit to guide me through the rough terrain of repressed feelings and experiences. He is just like me. Wounded.

Don't get me wrong. We are not co-dependent pain junkies. We don't revel in it. We see it, recognize it and respect it. We, each of us, seeks to understand the source of the pain and mend the wounds, not to repeatedly open the same wound over and over again.

We have chosen to learn from our past, learn from each other and grow as individuals and as a unit. Chosen to cast off the shackles of the past and journey forward together. Each knowing that there will be pitfalls and obstacles but are resolute to reach the final destination.

We see a light at the end of the tunnel and have chosen to ascend to it. Chosen to help each other overcome the past and run head first towards a bright future. How rare and special a journey is this? Incredible, absolutely incredible. To choose to harness one's pain and ride upon a chariot of hope to salvation.

He is Darren and he knows me better than I know myself, sometimes. Better than any man before.