The Calm After the Surge

I close my eyes and breathe in deeply feeling the cold air tinge my nose, tongue, throat then lungs. Breathing in slowly, deeply but surely I snuggle down into the warmth of my sofa and blanket and imagine what it must be like to stand and look out over the aftermath of a typhoon or hurricane. What it must be like to witness the storm clouds and tides moving out and away.
My initial thoughts must be some sense of relief knowing the worst is over and that I have survived. I would be grief stricken by loss, but comforted by all that remains realizing at some point that the only left to do is to clear away the rubble and rebuild.

That's what I feel like at present. It's been a little over a month since my mama drama and I am left standing witness to my own mine field of emotion. Undertaking the weary, back breaking work of sifting and sorting through everything that has brought me to where I am today. With the help and support of my dear Darren, these past few weeks, I have traversed a significant swath of my emotional mine field and defused much of what was making me so unhappy. I am finally allowing myself to FEEL and come to terms with many issues that I have expertly managed to deny, avoid and tuck away in the recesses of my mind. These past few weeks have been exhausting and somewhat painful, but necessary in order for me to move forward.

Shortly after returning home from seeing my mom, there were a couple weeks where I was a complete blubbering wreck. I remember one night, in particular, when I was wrenching and crying and wishing I could stop, but I couldn't. My mind and body were on autopilot and I was along for the ride whether I wanted to or not. Guess you can only hold it sh!t in so long before you mutiny. Point taken, lesson learned. I have laid much of my past to rest and have made significant discoveries about some of my past behaviors and actions. I have a lot yet to learn, but I am optimistic.

I feel very content, serene, secure right now. Best I've felt in a very long time.