Never a Bride, Not Even on the Invite List!

You know the old adage, "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride". Well, in my case, I'm not even invited to the f*cking wedding and never mind being the bride.

So, what prompted this latest outburst of emotion? A MAN! As usual.

:: deep cleansing breath ::

Funny story. This time a tale of two Brians. As per usual, I met them both on the internet and they both actively pursued me. Quite vigorously, in fact.

Rewind 7 years to February 2001.

The first Brian is a handsome blonde hair blue eyed All American Florida guy. We had a fabulous long distance internet courtship. I was head over heels and seemed like he felt the same way. Some weeks into our flirtations, Brian confessed that he was engaged and even showed me pictures of his fiancee.' I have to say that I don't blame him for marrying her. She seemed like the perfect girl. A beautiful blonde plus-size model type woman who seemed just from looking at her picture to have a good soul. I was crushed. It's not often that I break down and cry, but this was one of those times. I felt set aside. As if I was, for some reason, not loveable...not as good as her. Why wasn't I ever "The One!" Why did he even flirt with me to begin with?

Fast forward to today.

The second Brian. A tall, handsome brown hair, green eyed All-American Texas boy. I've only known this Brian for a couple months. He made himself known to me indicating that he thought I was attractive and that I was his type of woman, but this time, I knew up front that brunette Brian had a girlfriend. Another drop dead gorgeous girlfriend (complete opposite of what I look like) who seems from her picture to be a fun loving, great type person. There was never any real intention for love here, mainly Brian relentlessly flirting and making overtures and me playing coy. 'shrug. I noticed a couple weeks ago that he stopped flirting and really stopped communicating all together, but then again I wasn't really trying to keep up with him either until a couple days ago when we started lightly chatting and joking around again. Today, he changed his profile picture from a picture of just himself to a picture of the happy couple. I inquired about the change and that's when he exclaimed that he was planning to pop the question. Once again, I was crushed. Even though, I knew he had a girlfriend it just didn't seem like it was a really serious thing until today. Until he started pouring his heart out to me a bout the big proposal preparations he was making and how happy he was. I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to ask him to stop. I didn't want to hear anymore about it. I felt set aside and dejected. Unloveable and low. Once again, I'm not "The One".

Sure, I'm normally happy for my friends when they get married, but not this time.
This time I feel raw and angry and sad and lonely and pathetic and like I'll never find just one f*cking man that won't lie, cheat, or try to beat me (hasn't happened yet and likely never will if I have anything to do about it, but you get the gist) or disappear on me.

As with the blonde Brian, I removed brunette Brian from my buddy list and closed out that paragraph in this chapter of my life. Sure yeah, they gotta be part douchebag and I know for a fact blonde Brian cheats his wife, but at the same time I'm left wondering why did they even bother to flirt with me? Why break MY heart in the first place? It seems cruel and unusual.

Now, anyone who knows me in real life knows that I really, truly don't place a whole lot of importance on material or superficial things. I have literally dated every creed, race, religion conceivable. I've dated black, white, yellow, red, brown, white collar, blue collar, no collar men and still haven't managed to ferret out one decent guy all my own in almost 18 years of dating. Hell, I've never even had a long term relationship. Nothing over a year anyway.
Well, there was Sean, but I was the douchebag in that relationship. :: sigh! :: Had it not been for the international long distance thing and my local booty call indiscretion, we may have worked.
The one and only time I cheated on a man and he was a good man. :: headdesk ::

I wonder if there's one man that I've ever dated or loved that says to himself every now and then, "WOW! I wonder how Carmen is doing? I hope she's ok. I miss her. She was a great woman and if I had it to do all over again, I'd love and marry her and be the man she always wanted."

It takes a lot to put a chink in my amour, but these last few months nay decades of dating love and loss are taking a toll on me and making me really wonder what the hell is wrong with me? If anything. The mind boggles. In true chick fashion, after finding out about brunette Brian
I baked myself a tray of brownies, blogged about it, cried about it and gonna watch a trashy movie tonight. I don't even feel like going to UFO Wednesday Knit Night tonight.