"Oops! ...I Did It Again"

I never thought I'd quote from Britney Spears, but this particular pop song title seems rather appropo to my most current romantic denouement. I REALLY TRULY fell in love this time and due to circumstances beyond my control, I am single once more.

This time, for the first time, I was emotionally aware, available and ready to give my all to make things work with us. Realistically, the odds were stacked against us because we met online and due to the international distance, but we were both willing to take a shot at true love.

Our time together was extremely beneficial. We established a trust and bond that allowed us to truly communicate and share our most intimate and tender selves. With him, I learned so much about who I am and how I came to be me. I began to work on a lifetime of repressed emotion and with his support, garnered the courage to confront many lingering issues. He helped open my eyes to so many things to which I was utterly unaware. I began to change, grow and develop into a better, wiser, stronger person. At the same time, I provided a great deal of love, support and knowledge for him as well. I was aware of his past and his demons and deep down I truly felt like with enough love and support we could overcome anything.

However, despite my best efforts and arguments to the contrary, he decided things had gone too far, too fast and that it would be better if we could be "good friends". He admitted defeat to a lifelong struggle, "fear of intimacy".

To my mind, from the beginning, he pursued me with great fervor and diligence and I responded in kind. Our courtship was intoxicating and exhilarating. I was remiss to do anything other than jump in with both feet.

So now, I am recalcitrant and disappointed.

How dare he "give up" on us! For a week after the initial "I just want to be friends" discussion, we chatted off and on and each time I was presented the same offer of "friendship". I rejected his offer, saying that I felt it was like a demotion and a cop out. Why would I want to be "just friends" with a man with who I had established a deep emotional, romantic connection? I was in love with him. The notion of being just friends began to eat at me a bit and I was angry. I didn't want to hear about him falling in love with another woman, least of all an American woman.
That would be the ultimate betrayal and my undoing. The prospect of him finding a new love would break me, so I'd rather cut off all contact and move on with my life.

No, we hadn't met in real life yet, but we had plans to do in February for Valentine's Day. His contention was that maybe we wouldn't even like each other in real life...maybe we wouldn't click once we saw each other in real life. Mind you, we both have webcams and saw each other live on cam, so it wasn't a matter of not looking like you would expect, but more of not being compatible in day to day living. Sure, maybe there would be some issues, but just like anything else, we'd come to come agreement or arrangement. For me the glass is always AT LEAST half full and there's always a possibility to make things work. You just have to want to do the work. You have to want to look for a solution. Why didn't he want to do the work all of a sudden after all that we had shared and experienced?

You may be saying to yourself, well maybe he already found someone else or maybe he already had someone, maybe it was you and he just told you it was "fear of intimacy" so he wouldn't hurt your feelings. Maybe. But, honestly, I do believe what he told me. I do believe he just couldn't get there. He couldn't get past the fear and uncertainty. Maybe it is more like when you're running your first ever marathon and you get a leg cramp and pull off to the sidelines to catch your breath and work out the muscle cramp then after a while you decide you don't want to finish the race because its too hard even though you invested a great deal of time and training into running that very race. Maybe.

No matter the reason, the end result is still the same. I'm single again and it hurts and I'm really pondering if a long term committed relationship is in the cards for me and if its really truly attainable. The logical answer is YES and a teeny tiny part of me still holds out hope that somewhere someday I'll find "the one" who complements and completes me. A man who is also willing to jump in with both feet and brave the sea of love come what may...still water and rampaging swells.

I am not so naive to believe that love and relationships are easy. They are complex, curious and unwieldy at times, but with the right amount of nurturing they can blossom into something more precious and strong than titanium.

I still hold out hope for "the one"...maybe until the day I die.