Please Sir, I Want Some More...

:: facepalms ::

Do you ever feel like if one more little thing goes wrong in your life that you're just going to lose your mind? Like you just want to walk off the field of play and say "I QUIT! I DON'T WANNA PLAY WITH YOU GUYS ANYMORE! YOU STINK!" Yeah, that's how I feel.

:: grumble ::

I'm wound up. Caged. Tense. Stressed. Angry. A power keg of emotion. I could seriously use an IV vacation in a nice fancy psych ward right now. LOL! Just dope me up, knock me out and keep it coming. No worries. Nobody calling me to tell me their problems. No job drama. No deadlines. No man drama. No mama drama. No brother's ex wife and kids drama. No friends is unemployed and needs a job drama. No friend has stage 4 colon cancer drama. No car needs new thingofamajig drama. No this bill is past due and we want our money now drama. No garage door fell off the hinges drama. Just the drip drip of the prescription manna from heaven into the tube. :: ahhhh! ::

:: ponders ::

or maybe, I'll take up boxing and pound the crap out of a heavy bag. I don't know, but something has got to give and soon.

You ever just lie awake at night, traumatized, frozen with anxiety about all the things you know you have to get done, but you don't know where to start. You just keep replaying the same things over and over in your mind in a futile attempt not to forget and you're too lazy to get out of bed and write it all down...as if that would really help anyway, "Don't forget this and I gotta get that done and OH MY GAWD! If I don't do that, then this..." It's exhausting. Then, after a sleepless night, the alarm goes off and you're off to the races again.

It would be so nice if I could just tag in my clone to take over for a while, so I could mentally check out for a while. Instead, I find myself immersing in diversions that take my mind off my woes. Facebook and There.com provide a pleasant escape from the "soucie du jour".

It's been on my mind a lot lately and I have every intention to hustle over to the gym to wear myself out hoping that some good ole fashioned exercise will improve my mood. I just need to get to the damn gym. I know. Excuses. Excuses. I miss working out, actually. Besides, I need to lose a significant of weight, plus it just feels good to work out from an emotional standpoint, too.

Many have asked about my mom and here's what I know right now. She's still not well. After consulting yet another local yocal doctor, she decided (along with the doctor's blessing) to take herself off of all the prescription medicines she was on save for the insulin she needs from time to time. She says that she feels better and pretends to be A-OK! when my brother or I call her on the phone, but I can hear in her voice that she's not. I can hear the congestion and know that she's just the same as when I saw her last...congestive heart and what I'm guessing is kidney failure. She can't work anymore and I have been helping out with bills until her disability kicks in when I can...that is, of course, when I have a few dollars to spare. If it's not my house, it's my car, if it's not my car it's something else. :: eyeroll :: What can you do? It is what it is.

...and then, there's him.

Yeah, he crapped out on me again. I give up. Radio silence for 2 weeks now. Not even a freakin' text message to say, "HEY! I'm alive. Thinking about you. I know. I know. I suck, but I'll make it up to you when I get back." NOTHING! I called him a couple times to follow-up on our date that never was and he didn't answer the phone, so last week I sent him this text, "Ok. I give up. Don't know what to do. I was looking forward to seeing you, but you won't communicate." No response. Yeah, he's married or something. Something shady is going on. It just frickin' bothers me when men go radio silence on me like this. Yes, it has happened before. Things are going along seemingly great, then BAM! Never hear from the schmuck again. Maybe there's a conspiracy afoot. That's it! Aliens are abducting them.

It's just as well. I don't think I can stomach the uncertainty of a new relationship on top of everything else going on lately. Frequently, I remind myself that things could definitely be worse. That's when I take a moment to count my blessings and carry onward.